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Day 12, 13, 14: First excuse

Monday and Tuesday were really bad days. Huge bad mood going on, while still staying at my sister’s. Monday I didn’t go much, but Tuesday was a busy day, all the time at the office, between one meeting and another.

Got a terrible email from my mother and was a lot sad most of the day. I know I will have to organize my head when it comes to this before even be able to write down my feelings. But all I can say is that its time to have a moment away from her and possible from family in general. I cant wait to March to be able to travel and renew my hopes, my dreams, to re-energize my heart and myself.

It’s a hard moment and a moment of being alone most of the time. But its important. I need to focus. And the focus now its me, myself and I.

 

I was reading a blog and found this:

1. First, decide what you really want. Studies have shown it’s hard to get something if you’re not sure what it is. If time and money were no object, who would you be? What would you do?

I found out that is not that I don’t know what I want, its more that I want too many things. So I will take slow and I will set that what I want now is a vacation. And some love.

2. Never make decisions based on the perceived limitations in front of you. There is almost always a way around perceived limitations; watch this video for a great example. Instead, make decisions based on what you identified in Step 1.

 

I will take the risk and I wont see any limitation right now. I know that everything is possible and I have all the tools to make it happen. So I will do it.

3. Take small, immediate steps toward getting what you want.Don’t wait long; take the first step right now. Possible small steps toward traveling where you want to include reading a guidebook at the library or bookstore, saving $2 a day, scheduling a date in your calendar even if you’re not sure it will work, etc.

 

First step right now was to call Cassia and ask her to check for a ticket for me. I need all the options possible and I will be able to compare with the online options that I have been researching already. Also I started to make contacts with people from the city that I want to go, so I can have an idea about how it will be, what can I do while there and so on. From tomorrow on I will start the saving 2 dollars a day. hehehe But I have set the date, I want to leave before my birthday, to be able to celebrate there.

4. Review the steps on a regular basis. If it’s your life dream to go to Destination x, write it on a post-it note and put it where you’ll see it everyday. Then always think, “What’s next? How can I make this happen?”

 

Everyday I will be adding something new about my trip. I want to read about the city, I want research about jobs, courses and so on. Today I left my sister’s place and I will be staying until Sunday at my cousin’s apt. Of course that most of the time I will be somewhere, doing whatever and work, but that’s it. Third place in 10 days and I am missing home already. Still, I continue ask… where is home?

Day 11: Dancing in the rain…

Relaxing day at grandma’s. Woke up late, went to the beach, started raining, was dancing in the rain, the water was so warm, the rain so refreshing… Lunch, Movie, nap, chocolate, spoiling and talks with grandma, another walk by the beach, dinner and chats… and here I am…

Still in need of a getaway… Still in need of clear my mind… Still confuse about my plans…

But tomorrow is another day, and I will have to work a lot!

 

 

Day 10: PMS Alert

Its a fact that my mood today was really crap. No patience at all and every little details was a reason to get me down.

Mom called and didnt really ask about how I was, just wanted to talk bullshit about what she was doing and bla bla bla.. I felt like crying.

Alex didnt pay attention to what I was saying and left without saying goodbye… I felt like crying.

My sister didnt move out of the couch until 4pm and was all the time waiting for me to cook, to do the things and bla bla, even tho I am a guest at her house… I felt like kicking her ass and cry.

I knew that Tommy wouldnt show up today to tell me how beautiful I am, even tho I was feeling terrible ugly today… I felt like crying.

It didnt stop raining in the morning, so the girls canceled our plans to go to the beach house… I felt like crying.

I am confused about my next plans and actually have so many things going on inside my head right now… I felt like crying.

I look around me and I see no one to calm me down, hug me and tell me that everything will be just fine… Even tho I know that it will be fine… I felt like crying.

Came to grandma’s house, girls night out to have dinner and watch a love story movie… I cried there like a baby… I guess now I am ready to go to sleep.

Day 9: The rain…

Finally some rain in this HELLcity… This week was just way too warm. So this morning finally we saw some raining falling from the sky… and what a lovely morning it was.. Specially because I didn’t have to leave the house… I could just enjoy the warm bed, watching a movie and doing my regular research online.

I had a nightmare tho… I had this dream that one of my ex-bosses called me… but of course, he didn’t a say a word. I can’t make it up words from him since that I have no clue whats going on inside his head… I was on the phone and mostly I was just asking questions and telling him how disappointed I was… What a surprise huh?

So I have decided to invest some of my money in Education. Of course this is a hard thing to decide. Options? So far I have 4 😉

1. Technical Course in Secretarial

2. Technical Course in Business

3. TEFL certificate (so I can teach English)

4. Bachelors in English, Writing and Literature.

To be really honest, I am interesting in take the numbers 1 and 3 first. But that means that I will have to take a huge part of my savings. But at the same time, I will have 2 new diplomas by August. Of course that means that I will be studying like crazy during the next 5 months and I will have to spend about 2 months in US while taking the TEFL certificate.

I gotta sleep on this idea… meditate, meditate… but I don’t have much time left…*sigh*, what should I do?

Day 8: Feeding the good wolf…

I woke up and read a post by friend on Facebook:

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.” The grandson asked him, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?” The grandfather answered: “The one I feed.”

It made me wake up thinking and thinking. I am probably close to have my period, because my mood were very strange today. I had ups and downs during the day, when I could be extremely wise and serene and sometimes I felt like crying.

Sometimes I think about my ex-job and I feel angry. Sometimes I think about my ex-colleagues and I feel angry. Sometimes I think about my sister and I feel angry. The truth is that I don’t think that we can kick out totally our bad side… We will always have it, as small as possible, just to remind us that we are humans and we should make choices… Being good and loving and compassionate is a choice, most of all.

But I feed my good side. I know that I wont go anywhere nice with bad feelings inside of me. So I think positive. I can’t ignore the fact that I had good moments while working for that company. And I am thankful for the money I made while working there. It’s true that it was more stress than pleasure, I got sick so many times while working there… But I took good lessons from this experience, so it’s all good.

I guess I will watch a movie and cry out some tears so tomorrow I will be all Sunshine again! 🙂

Day 7: New Profession!

It has been a week since I left the company. Surprisingly, I have been busier than before. Running here and there, working at the non-profit, visiting doctors and taking care of me. I do feel tho that I need a time to relax and do nothing. Weekend is coming and that’s my goal. But for today, I am really happy to announce that I am officially and registered, Cultural Producer! That’s it, after a week working hard to get all the documents together, visiting a bunch of government buildings and bla bla bla, I was finally accepted and I can now work officially as Cultural Producer.

What that means? Well, means that the work I do at the non-profit, can soon be profitable. I will be able to apply some of my projects to be sponsored so I can make things happen and get paid for it. Viva!! It was really just a first step, but I am very happy about it. I have a month now to write some projects and send them out to try to get the money… The process tho is very complicated. Not only will have a bunch of people sending projects as well and competing with me for the money, but it also takes time for any of us, get the answer if it was approved or not.

Starting from March until June, I will have 3 months of waiting and not doing much. And this is the time that I want to focus on relax, read more, Study if possible, and travel as much as I can. It will be a hard decision whether leave and use my money or stay here and do something else, but I guess I still have some time to think and decide about this.

As for the fun part of my day, I went together with my sister to show her French guests around town. We had a great time, even tho it was sooo freaking hot in the city. Seriously, we were close to 105F. How can someone enjoy this? I don’t! I hate! I hate more! I guess if I survive during February, I will have the chance to enjoy some cold (perhaps snow) somewhere in the north part of this world. That would be a great way to celebrate my birthday…

As for now, au revoir 😉

Day 6: Have I said how much I hate doctors?

So, to get officially fired here in Brazil, you need to be cleared by a doctor that will confirm that I am not sick and I have no problems at all. Usually it takes 2 minutes where the doctor look at you and ask few questions. I went there today and doctor looked at me and say:

– Are you single?

– Yes, Sir! – I answered.

– Where do you live? – he kept asking me.

– Close to here – I said.

– Hmm I need to send some doctors around to check if the men in this neighborhood have some problems with their vision.

– Ha? (nerd face)

– They might all be blind, because it’s not acceptable that a woman like you are single. – He said while checking me looking from up to down.

– Can I still be fired even if I am single?

– Unfortunately you can. But I still hope you get a boyfriend soon. Remember, don’t give up. A man needs a woman, just like a woman needs a man!

– Errr, ok, thanks!

 

I left hating every second that I had to spend inside his office. And how inconvenient…

The rest of the day was also a struggle. So warm and I had to walk half of the city to do stuff. But I hope that tomorrow I am done with this so busy schedule… After all, I am officially jobless right? 😉

Day 5: Where is home?

The week has just started and today was a super busy day. Organized a bunch of stuff at my sister’s place before going to work at the non-profit. Now that I have time to dedicate myself there, I have so many things that it’s actually surprising how I thought I would manage both jobs.

My skin hurts from the beach yesterday, I am such a fake Brazilian, that always get sick after a day at the beach, crazy. But its summer, the worse time of the year for me, at least until I can’t have it an AC walking around with me 24 hours a day… Probably once I have this, I will start enjoying the summer…

As for my thought of the day, I have started looking for some ticket deals and travel plans… not much tho, but still… But I was caught by a memory of something that I heard in a movie the other day, saying that: “Home is where we are…” and I got myself thinking that I agree with it, but at the same time don’t feel home where I am. Probably because my thoughts are way too far away right now…

Sometimes I found myself being so detached when it comes to where I live… My cousin was just in need of a place to crash for a few days and I said, sure, right away and let her stay there while I packed a couple of things and came to my sisters. Detached… probably because I don’t feel that is really my place, my home.. it’s just a place where I crash myself for a while…

but if one could ever know how I anxious I feel for not having a place to call home…

Day 4: Washing my soul…

So our beach time yesterday didnt work out, but today my cousin showed up pretty early, we stop to buy some snacks and drinks and headed to the beach, Praia do Paiva, which is South of Recife, about 30 minutes from my sister’s place. It was me, my cousin Angelo, my sister Barbara and her friend Renato. And we had such a great time there. But most of all I was able to finally relax after all the stress from the last days and feel that I was washing my soul with the ocean water…

Its a fact that I have tanned way too much, and maybe drunk way too much as well, but all is great. Perfect to renew my energy and start just another busy week.

Surprisily, my mind is kind of empty right now and I cant think much about what to write, but actually, this is a good thing, Seems that my time at the ocean was indeed, useful 🙂